Tuesday, July 31, 2007

MAMA

POSITION :
Mother, Mom, Mama, Mommy, Momma, Ma

JOB DESCRIPTION : Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an,often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellentcommunication and organizational skills and be willing to work variablehours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hourshifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips toprimitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournamentsin far away cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courierduties also required. RESPONSIBILITIES : The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at leasttemporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tonguerepeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule andbe able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, thistime, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as smallgadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Mustscreen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production ofmultiple homework projects . Must have ability to plan and organizesocial gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must bewilling to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Musthandle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap,plastic toys, and battery operated devices. Must always hope for thebest but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, completeaccountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities alsoinclude floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT &PROMOTION : Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for years,without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, sothat those in your charge can ultimately surpass you

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE : None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on acontinually exhausting basis. WAGES AND COMPENSATION : Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloonpayment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that collegewill help them become financially independent. When you die, you givethem whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary schemeis that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS : While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuitionreimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; thisjob supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugsfor life if you play your cards right.

No comments: